I called the suicide hotline for my wife

I called the suicide hotline for my wife on 15 December, 2024.

I’m writing this post to document the process that escalated to this call, mostly to a reference for myself, but I hope it serves as an aid for someone who may be going through similar experiences.

I’m also writing my learnings and notes here, mostly to channel out my grief and pains. But I also hope they aid you if you or someone you know has thoughts about suicide.

The Story

15 December, 2024 is the day where I called the SOS hotline for my wife.

Just a couple of hours ago, she got frustrated that I didn’t fold the clothes — and they were still hanging on the drying rack — again. This wasn’t the first time I missed the “folding” date. And it wasn’t the first time she nagged at me impatiently.

In my defense, I’ve been busy ensuring fights didn’t break out at home — and I was both physically and emotionally exhausted. Incredibly exhausted. But that didn’t matter to my wife. All she saw were the clothes that were hanging on the rack.

I told her to bring it down and put it somewhere so I could fold them later.

She said no because I won’t do that.

I told her to work with me — to bring it down now, so she could hang the clothes she needed to hang — but she didn’t hear me. She was focused on the fact that the clothes were still hanging on the rack. And how I am unable to keep my promises regarding anything related to housework.

I became angry and said told her she wasn’t working with me. Then she lost it, threw a tantrum, took the clothes down, and threw them all onto the floor right beside me.

I lost it and slapped her.

A couple of times.

More times than I would expected or allowed myself to.

I still feel guilty about it.

She lost it and asked me to beat her to death. Then she took a knife out and gave it to me. I took the knife from her and kept it somewhere safe.

Then she took another knife and tried to hide herself.

All these happened right in front of our 6-year old child…

She only began to stop when our child cried and said she didn’t want mama to die. So my wife promised that she’s not going to kill herself until my daughter turns 18…

(There’s another backstory just three days ago where my wife had thoughts about killing herself when she was with my daughter; I’m not around. But that may be a topic for another day…).

I don’t exactly remember what happened afterwards. But I know I somehow managed to get the mother and daughter pair to calm down a bit. Then I let my daughter watch TV to distract her from the situation. At the same time, I was trying to talk to my wife to find a way out.

I have succeeded many times in the past. But this time, I couldn’t. Because I was the antagonist this time, and she wasn’t willing to listen to her enemy.

I told her to call the suicide hotline. She refused, saying she had nothing to say to them. I ran out of options. And to move things forward, I told her I’m calling the suicide hotline instead. So I did.

I turned the speaker on and began explaining the situation to the other person on the phone. He was concerned about us and me — something I didn’t expect — but his questioning allowed me to express how I was not feeling okay and allowed my wife to hear that I was also suffering.

She finally realized that I was on her side. Then she cried, saying she didn’t want all of this to happen and she couldn’t control her thoughts and emotions.

Following the advice from the other person on the SOS hotline, we reached out to a polyclinic and a counselling organization in Singapore.

Fast forward to today: My wife is now chatting with a psychologist (first session) and awaiting the first counselling session (in approx 2 months).

So far, she learned that she didn’t know how to manage her emotions and was only able to express it outwards or run away from it (leading to suicide as way out). And she has to learn better emotional management skills.

What I learned when I called the suicide hotline.

I learned many things.

I learned that it was important to call the hotline for someone who couldn’t do it, and that doing this is an incredibly generous and selfless act.

As the person who called the hotline, I learned that I had to lower my pride and face all the potential shame against various sources within my psyche — and this was both scary and painful, to the extent that I cried while writing this article. (And I cried again as I write that I cried). It’s freaking darn painful is the simplest way I can describe this pain.

I also learned that I’ve held on to much more pain than I thought — because my wife first expressed thoughts of suicide 10 years ago, and I’ve been keeping her in check since then. It worsened after giving birth (6 years ago) as there were more family issues she had to deal with.

I learned that I’ve suffered in silence and kept most of the problems to myself — and I’ve been resisting telling others the full story of what’s really been happening over these years.

I learned that I’ve recovered enough to be able to able to seek help again (after being betrayed by the help I’ve tried to seek in the past). Finally.

As I’m writing this, I also learned that I’m writing this to channel out some of the pains I’ve been experiencing, and trying to collect the learning points from this heavy experience at the same time.

I learned that writing and allowing this post publicly is an attempt to let myself know that I’m not weak, useless, and shameless.

I know this call to the suicide hotline is one of the most important turning points in my family dynamics. I took on the most painful moment by calling the hotline instead of leaving it to my wife.

I also see the courage of people who are able to reach out to suicide hotlines for help — because this is something really difficult to do.

And I’m thankful that these initiatives exist in Singapore.

My message to anyone who’s reading this

Thoughts of suicide are inherent signals to run away from life. (Death is an escape). If you do nothing, actual suicide will come sooner or later to that person you care about.

So if you know anyone who has suicidal thoughts looming in their mind, please reach out to someone for help. Reach out for them if you need to — it’s generous, although painful.

Things will get worse initially. But I believe things will turn out to become better as you persist in getting help and treatment.

That’s it from me.

Thanks for reading.